I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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