Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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