Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
