My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
