good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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