question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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