At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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