Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
