So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
