Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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