well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
