Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
