I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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