The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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