all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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