I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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