why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
