I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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