ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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