The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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