if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
No subtext here. People are naked.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
