So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
