As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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