Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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