I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
