Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
