sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
