Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
