i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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