My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
