one word: firstdatebathroomanal
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
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