you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
