i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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