I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
