You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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