I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
