someone get that fucking seahorse.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
