I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
