Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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