I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
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