I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
