everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
