if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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