im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
