i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
