dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
