if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
