Got a toothbrush?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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