Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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