I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
