I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
